'Tis a New Week

^^ our super cute Halloween card this year.

IT'S A NEW WEEK, AND I'M FEELING MUCH BETTER!

Thanks for all your comments / words of encouragement / advice.

A high school and blogger friend Anna said I should do an update [who, by the way, recently announced her pregnancy....YIPEE! CONGRATS!]. I really do think it was just a combination of hormones and rainy weather. This week it was sunny. My period is over. Life is glorious. Tara was right, something about mom hormones. My period just isn't what it used to be when it comes to mood swings! LOL.

I survived the midterm with minimal tears [but lots of nights up until after midnight]. I am contemplating whether to take the next class this spring or not [to those who are wondering why I'd be taking an advanced math class right now, when mom brain is in overdrive and I am still sleep deprived, well I need 6 credit hours before 2014 for license renewal. I figured now is the best time since I'm off work].

To clear up the "social worker" and "hospitalization" story: the doctor definitely did not mention any of those words. I would have punched him in the face if he did. [ok I would not have]. It was my husband who said those things and I did want to punch him in the face. [and still do]. ;) We are planning on getting the blood tests and sweat test done so we can move on and the doctor can sleep easier. :)

Now on to other business. There are two mommies and two babies out there that really really really need our prayers right now. One is currently in the hosptial and the other is slated for open heart surgery on November 3rd. These kiddos are so lucky to have such strong mommies [I'm constantly in awe of them] but even I know they can use some extra prayers and hugs right now.

15 Months: Mommy Struggles

I am in such a funk lately that I didn't even realize it was the 18th of the month [thanks to Blaine's birth-twin's mom's post or I would have forgotten it].

Blaine is amazing. He is the best thing in my life and every minute I'm with him is perfect. Even when he's screaming. [lots of sickness and teething pain in the last few weeks]. I love him more than I could imagine loving anything and I want to sneak in his room and hug him right now just because.

But. I'm depressed. Honestly, I'm not a crier type person. Didn't cry at my wedding, or the birth of my child. Don't cry at sad TV shows. However, every single day for the last couple weeks, I've cried multiple times a day or felt like crying pretty much 24/7. I feel like life is drowning me.

I'm in a math class where "struggling" would not be strong enough of a word. I've never EVER felt like the "dumb kid" in a class but I feel even dumber than the dumb kid in this class. Not to mention I feel like I just never have adequate time to get the hw done. Blaine is always waking up before I get even one problem completed or my computer is freezing and it takes me 2 hours to watch a 30 minute lecture. The class is mostly online [whoever thought up the idea of an online math class obviously doesn't teach math], but we have to go three times. Monday was one of those times. Sitting through that torture was worse believe it or not. The pace was so fast I was just lost the whole time. The "smarty pants" people make us "humans" feel like crap with their snide comments, etc. I almost lost it right there in class and burst into tears. I held it in until the car ride home. The midterm is going to be posted tomorrow and I have so much anxiety and dread in my chest I almost can't breath when I think about it.

Then you have the topic of my child being a peanut. Blaine doesn't weigh enough apparently and we have to go to the hospital for tests. The words "social worker" and "hospitalization" have been brought up in conversations with my husband about the issue. I think those words are pretty strong considering the kid is healthy and happy. So of course when your husband mentions something about "them sending a social worker" I feel EXTREMELY inadequate as a mother.

Then there's the topic of I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. Quit work? Go back to work? Get a new career? Take more classes so I can teach at a college? [classses where I would feel like the dumb kid, remember]. I feel like such a lost soul. The thought of going back to work and leaving Blaine everyday makes me cry. I'm sitting here crying just thinking about it. Every single night I lay awake and worry about what decision to make regarding my job.

So, in conclusion, sorry I didn't dedicate this post to Blaine, it being his 15 month birthday and all, but my struggles with life have been quiet for too long and I had to get this all off my chest.

[PS: Maybe it's just the hormones getting the best of me. I'm on my period. LOL!]

[PPS: I feel extremely guilty writing a post about how math makes me cry when there is no one in my family with a terminal illness, nor anyone at war, nor anyone unemployed, nor anyone homeless; you get my point. I am thankful we have our health and our jobs and each other, don't get me wrong, I'm just in a funk and that is all.]

Farm Pics Friday

Ya'll might be sick of pumpkin pics but I will never EVER be!!! :)



Cold one day: Hot a few days later:

Those are some fine lookin 'kins! [I grew the one on the right]: