Blaine is amazing. He is the best thing in my life and every minute I'm with him is perfect. Even when he's screaming. [lots of sickness and teething pain in the last few weeks]. I love him more than I could imagine loving anything and I want to sneak in his room and hug him right now just because.
But. I'm depressed. Honestly, I'm not a crier type person. Didn't cry at my wedding, or the birth of my child. Don't cry at sad TV shows. However, every single day for the last couple weeks, I've cried multiple times a day or felt like crying pretty much 24/7. I feel like life is drowning me.
I'm in a math class where "struggling" would not be strong enough of a word. I've never EVER felt like the "dumb kid" in a class but I feel even dumber than the dumb kid in this class. Not to mention I feel like I just never have adequate time to get the hw done. Blaine is always waking up before I get even one problem completed or my computer is freezing and it takes me 2 hours to watch a 30 minute lecture. The class is mostly online [whoever thought up the idea of an online math class obviously doesn't teach math], but we have to go three times. Monday was one of those times. Sitting through that torture was worse believe it or not. The pace was so fast I was just lost the whole time. The "smarty pants" people make us "humans" feel like crap with their snide comments, etc. I almost lost it right there in class and burst into tears. I held it in until the car ride home. The midterm is going to be posted tomorrow and I have so much anxiety and dread in my chest I almost can't breath when I think about it.
Then you have the topic of my child being a peanut. Blaine doesn't weigh enough apparently and we have to go to the hospital for tests. The words "social worker" and "hospitalization" have been brought up in conversations with my husband about the issue. I think those words are pretty strong considering the kid is healthy and happy. So of course when your husband mentions something about "them sending a social worker" I feel EXTREMELY inadequate as a mother.
Then there's the topic of I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. Quit work? Go back to work? Get a new career? Take more classes so I can teach at a college? [classses where I would feel like the dumb kid, remember]. I feel like such a lost soul. The thought of going back to work and leaving Blaine everyday makes me cry. I'm sitting here crying just thinking about it. Every single night I lay awake and worry about what decision to make regarding my job.
So, in conclusion, sorry I didn't dedicate this post to Blaine, it being his 15 month birthday and all, but my struggles with life have been quiet for too long and I had to get this all off my chest.
[PS: Maybe it's just the hormones getting the best of me. I'm on my period. LOL!]
[PPS: I feel extremely guilty writing a post about how math makes me cry when there is no one in my family with a terminal illness, nor anyone at war, nor anyone unemployed, nor anyone homeless; you get my point. I am thankful we have our health and our jobs and each other, don't get me wrong, I'm just in a funk and that is all.]