Tuesday, October 18, 2011

15 Months: Mommy Struggles

I am in such a funk lately that I didn't even realize it was the 18th of the month [thanks to Blaine's birth-twin's mom's post or I would have forgotten it].

Blaine is amazing. He is the best thing in my life and every minute I'm with him is perfect. Even when he's screaming. [lots of sickness and teething pain in the last few weeks]. I love him more than I could imagine loving anything and I want to sneak in his room and hug him right now just because.

But. I'm depressed. Honestly, I'm not a crier type person. Didn't cry at my wedding, or the birth of my child. Don't cry at sad TV shows. However, every single day for the last couple weeks, I've cried multiple times a day or felt like crying pretty much 24/7. I feel like life is drowning me.

I'm in a math class where "struggling" would not be strong enough of a word. I've never EVER felt like the "dumb kid" in a class but I feel even dumber than the dumb kid in this class. Not to mention I feel like I just never have adequate time to get the hw done. Blaine is always waking up before I get even one problem completed or my computer is freezing and it takes me 2 hours to watch a 30 minute lecture. The class is mostly online [whoever thought up the idea of an online math class obviously doesn't teach math], but we have to go three times. Monday was one of those times. Sitting through that torture was worse believe it or not. The pace was so fast I was just lost the whole time. The "smarty pants" people make us "humans" feel like crap with their snide comments, etc. I almost lost it right there in class and burst into tears. I held it in until the car ride home. The midterm is going to be posted tomorrow and I have so much anxiety and dread in my chest I almost can't breath when I think about it.

Then you have the topic of my child being a peanut. Blaine doesn't weigh enough apparently and we have to go to the hospital for tests. The words "social worker" and "hospitalization" have been brought up in conversations with my husband about the issue. I think those words are pretty strong considering the kid is healthy and happy. So of course when your husband mentions something about "them sending a social worker" I feel EXTREMELY inadequate as a mother.

Then there's the topic of I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. Quit work? Go back to work? Get a new career? Take more classes so I can teach at a college? [classses where I would feel like the dumb kid, remember]. I feel like such a lost soul. The thought of going back to work and leaving Blaine everyday makes me cry. I'm sitting here crying just thinking about it. Every single night I lay awake and worry about what decision to make regarding my job.

So, in conclusion, sorry I didn't dedicate this post to Blaine, it being his 15 month birthday and all, but my struggles with life have been quiet for too long and I had to get this all off my chest.

[PS: Maybe it's just the hormones getting the best of me. I'm on my period. LOL!]

[PPS: I feel extremely guilty writing a post about how math makes me cry when there is no one in my family with a terminal illness, nor anyone at war, nor anyone unemployed, nor anyone homeless; you get my point. I am thankful we have our health and our jobs and each other, don't get me wrong, I'm just in a funk and that is all.]


Claire {Beaktweets} said...

Gosh, so sorry. It's good you wrote it all out. That always makes me feel better. I hope everything works out fine with Blaine's tests. I"m sure it will- he is obviously thriving and hitting lots of other milestones.

As for work, you know I'm a fan of staying at home. I'm assuming you can afford it since you are doing it for these two years? Is it more deciding if that feels like enough for you? Again, I'm a fan of staying at home. These years just feel too precious to pass off to someone else. I'm sure you'll figure it out and now matter what you decide you and Blaine will both do great.

Hugs to you1

Kristin {Sea Cow Circus} said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs! I can relate to the funk, although I think I've been masking mine a bit right now adjusting to the new schedule and new job. But I've definitely been down and feeling a bit lost, especially when I think about the "big picture" and the future. Ugh. Growing up is so stressful!

I hate that Blaine's weight is causing you stress, too. He's healthy, he's happy, and I don't think there should be so much concern about the numbers :(

As for going back to work/not/etc., just remember that no matter what you decide, it's not irreversible. If you go back and hate it, you can stop. If you don't go back and wish you had, you can do something about that. It's hard to make huge decisions when you're already feeling overwhelmed and emotional, so try not to force yourself in to making a decision when you've got so much other stuff going on.

I'm much better at giving this advice than following it, but try to just take one thing at a time and know that you WILL get through it all :) Deep breaths, friend.

Math makes me cry, too, but that's because I'm bad at it :)

Diana @ frontyardfoodie said...

Oh girlfriend! I am SO sorry. I seriously think most of this is stemming from the school.....just relax and don't put yourself in a position where a grade matters so much because honestly, in the scheme of life, it really doesn't.

I'm no help as far as career goes, I am a career stay at home mom and wouldn't want it any other way but I know many many women who feel fulfilled by their job and if you're in the group, then it's worth pursuing but if the thought of leaving your son makes you panic then maybe just step back, enjoy this brief time and take your mind of the less important things.

I can't imagine juggling school and a 15 month old (or 13 month old like my own) so I totally understand how you feel overwhelmed.

Blaine looks so healthy! He may be little but I don't think he's starving or anything! I can't believe hospitalization would come up as a topic! You're a GREAT mom. The fact that you stress about these things just shows how much you care. Cry it out, step away from the outside stresses and focus on your role as a wife and mother. I know you're good at it:)

Elizabeth said...

Oh I am so, so sorry. I know exactly how you feel about being drowned by life. If you can, I would highly recommend finding a counselor you can talk to. I see one twice a month and she is a lifesaver.

For me, going back to work part time (2 days/week) has been a great balance. Grayson, as you know, is a very high maintenance baby and I need to get away for a few hours a week. My job is easy, fun, and I can leave it behind when I clock out. I know you can't do that with teaching. But it might be good for you to find something just to give you a break (and a little extra money too).

OK, WHAT? Social worker and hospitalization? WHAT? As a fellow mother of a peanut, I am insulted for you. Seriously? As for running tests, let them do that- that way you can rule out an endocrine/metabilic issue. My advice- if he needs to get bloodwork- take someone with you when you go. You will want to comfort him and you need someone there to be the "bad guy" and hold him down.

Hang in there- and let me know if you want to talk. HUGS!

diana said...

*Hugs* I know how hard it can be to think about staying home versus going back to work. I wish I could stay home, but at the same time I have a lot of mommy guilt on the days when it's nice to get out of the house. Especially now that winter is approaching. I don't know what I'd do all day with a 7-12 month old in the winter and I don't do well cooped up inside. I imagine this winter I'll be glad to be going to work some days, and glad that I have a flexible job where I can stay home and cuddle my boy all day if the weather/roads are bad.

As a social worker, I really hope that if one ends up involved, that it's a positive experience. I don't necessarily know the context, but they can be a great resource to help in a lot of different ways. I work in residential care with kids, and I really try to empathize with parents when I have to come into the home to do family assessments. It's really scary to be faced with someone coming into your home and making judgements on your family and your parenting. I hope that the hospitalization and social worker is a worst-case-scenario. Blaine looks healthy and happy, so it's hard to think that there's anything wrong.
Does your pediatrician have any ideas? Is s/he the one concerned and referring Blaine for tests?

Kate said...

Sounds like it's time to mention it to your doc - there is help out there!! Please don't hesitate to get help.

The whole social worker business would scare the crap out of me - to the point of changing pediatricians, in fact; I don't think I could ever trust a pedi that called a social worker on me. What kind of tests?? My Ethan is a peanut too, and our pedi has just said that we'll keep an eye on him. I hope it works out that Blayne is just a metabolizing machine...

Kara said...

Oh man, what a tough time! First of all, you are a good mother. Any idiot can see how loved your baby is, so don't worry about a social worker. Not every kid has to be "husky" to be healthy.

Math makes me feel the same way as you. Maybe you should concentrate where your strengths are? My job advice is this: What was your main interest before you starting liking boys? Whatever that was, that's the field you should be in. :)

Janelle said...

re: Blaine being a peanut - get another opinion! He looks fine in the photos. Happy, healthy, and with an adequate (albeit small) amount of baby pudge. Remind the doctors that neither you or your husband are big, and he has always been small...thus, always likely to be on the small side.

re: math - I really think becoming a mother saps your ability to think about complex subjects (like advanced math) that aren't relevant to your daily life. At least I've found that. I couldn't integrate or figure the sin/cos of something right now to save my life, and I used to rock at that stuff...but it just doesn't seem as important now that I have kids. Give yourself a break - you birthed an amazing child! The math genui in your class probably don't have nearly as much to show for the past two years of their life.

re: future...when you figure out the answer to such problems, please do share. We're all wrestling with that. I say, if you can stay home, DO IT! Otherwise, skip that whole "take more classes to teach at a CC" thing until Blaine is in school, and enjoy the time you do have with him, rather than making it stressful by being in stupid classes.

Just my bit :) I hope you're feeling better!

Abby said...

First off, Happy 15 Months, Blaine! You're super cute!

Ok, so so sorry to hear everything you're going through. Life throws so much at us sometimes and it's just hard to deal. Good for you to jot everything down and let people know how you feel. I remember crying over Real Analysis in college. :) I hope you start feeling better! You're an incredible woman and you can do this!

Amanda said...

Christy, lookit all these comments! My, you are so loved and supported!

This is the quote that is getting me through my days:

"Hope is the power of being cheerful in situations we know to be desperate"

I don't know how it works in the states, but here, if we get post-partum depressed (dunno if you are, just saying) we call our public health nurse. ?? Again, is there someone you can call to vent who is uninvolved.

Um, and why are you taking this stressful math class?:) I can't even keep a few hives of bees with the same clarity as pre-baby, I can't imagine doing math!

I am positive that Blaine is not as small as Gabrielle. And I was really small growing up (still am) and there was nothing physically wrong with me. I went through tons of tests and they never showed up anything wrong and they were very intrusive. So if they wanna do tests, and they don't find anything at first, tell them to get lost unless you feel like something's wrong.

You are not a bad mom. You are amazing! Sending love to you and your beautiful babe on his birthday-ish!

Tara said...

Oh gosh. So sorry you are going through all this stress:( If it makes you feel any better, now that I have Sadie I become a TOTAL basket case when I'm on my period. Seriously. Crazy. I never used to be like that. Must be the awesome mom hormones.
I would get a second opinion about Blaine's size. WTF calling a social worker?!? He is little, but looks healthy and well loved and cared for. I think some people in the medical profession get it really stuck in their heads that things need to be textbook, and if they aren't it is a major freaking crisis for them. I am so sorry you have to go through the stress of feeling inadequate and judged. Just don't let other people's ignorance get you down.

As far as the math goes... sheesh. You're brave for even taking a challenging class right now. Hang in there, and ignore the snide remarks. There are always haters, and people who get off on belittling other people to make themselves feel better.

You are doing good work, and you are a good mama. And Blaine is the cutest little peanut. Happy 15 months to Sadie's birthday twinner:)

Anna & Kirby said...

I've been meaning to comment on this awhile ago... I am so sorry you are going through this. I think about you a lot and hope things have started to get better since you posted this. I think we need an update!

Adam Blalock said...

Sorry to hear things are tough. I know your busy and tired but have you considered running again? I know it makes me feel better sometimes. At the very least it's some private quiet time.